Train a child in the right way...

...and he will not depart from it (Proverbs 6:22). Joerg's favorite verse.

When we were expecting our firstborn, I was already wondering about whether I would be up to the task of "disciplining" my own children. To me, Joerg would have no problem because this was what he did every day, and he had internalized the need to impart what is right to the next generation. For me, I was brought up strictly under the rod and so agreed that punishment / discipline is necessary, at least in principle. Now that Gabrielle is realizing more and more that she can control her world through her actions, we've found ourselves in an increasing number of face-offs with her. But I've found myself struggling with being firm and following through with consequences, versus being kind and understanding why she's acting up. We had tried disciplining her by saying "No" very firmly and then smacking her little hands when she insisted on carrying on the disallowed behaviour, but Gabe didn't seem to be learning from these physical consequences. So after reading a friend's blog about her own challenges with her little girl who is just a few months older, I got interested in the idea of "positive discipline". The idea appealed to me because it suggested that you could render discipline without physical punishment and still be able to help the child do what is right.

So I logged on to acmamall.com and got ourselves a copy of "Positive Discipline: The first three years" (Jane Nelson et al, 2007) to see if I could get any ideas from there. (By the way, I told a friend about this source and he agreed that the price was cheaper than Amazon's.) Before this, we had already read the Babywise series (Ezzo), and the ideas in there made sense, i.e., establish a routine for baby's stability, be firm, etc, but somehow Gabe seemed to have reached some kind of developmental plateau with those principles. Lately I had also read "Effective parenting in a defective world" (Chip Ingram) but those didn't really offer specific strategies, mainly principles which (I thought) we already subscribed to.

The book came 2 weeks later, and I started turning the pages in earnest. It's highly readable, and I found myself through half the book in about 3 days. Nelson offers lots of principles, concrete examples, and specific strategies, some of which are similar to the ideas in Ezzo's and Ingram's books - namely, the need for routines and not to be permissive. The key themes are:

• discipline is not punishment but training,
• be kind and firm at the same time, and
• work to help your child develop autonomy for self-esteem and confidence.

What I found really helpful was the understanding of the developmental milestones of toddlers Gabrielle's age, that at this stage they are exploring their new world, striving for autonomy and independence, and thus need to learn many skills to be able to do things on their own. When they are not able to explore, or not able to accomplish stuff independently, this is when tantrums and defiance/rebelliousness result. In disciplining (ie training), toddlers need less to be told "Don't do that", and more of what TO do. This was a good reminder, even though Joerg and I do know this as we work with youths. Didn't know that it applied to young children too!

So that's where I am at the moment with this book... I've been trying consciously trying out strategies of distraction, as well as telling Gabrielle what TO do. Distraction works when I can find something equally appealing to her and it takes her mind off the other stuff; telling her what TO do is a little bit more effort because sometimes, I'm not sure what's the alternative!

Just a note though... I have said that I found this book very readable, partly because I subscribe to some of the thinking as well. I'm particularly in favour of "Be kind, yet firm" and that physical punishment isn't the ONLY way (at this point anyway). But what about someone else who doesn't quite share these views, especially the view on physical punishment? This might be a challenge. That said, I'm glad that this book has helped me so far to understand Gabe's world and to think about how I could use my own natural inclinations for her positive development. More adventures in positive discipline to come :)