First trip to the dentist!

Long overdue post... Gabrielle visited the dentist for the first time a few weeks ago. Actually I had been mulling for a long time over which dentist to bring her to, especially since this would be her first visit and hence, would leave a lasting impression of future visits!

After asking a few mommy friends which dentist they brought their little ones to, Mum decided on Dr Elizabeth Tan at Mount Elizabeth Hospital. This was not one of the recommended ones from my own friends, but rather a recommendation from Mum's friends. Mum is very much involved with Gabrielle's development and I'm happy to tap on her wisdom most of the time, seeing how she's got lots of experience with babies!

So how did we prep Gabrielle for this life-changing experience? I must say that there are at least two good children's books on dentist visits, which will help to prime kids on what could potentially be a traumatic time for them (after all, who likes strangers poking into and looking around their mouths??). The one which I've been reading to Gabrielle for a while was "Barney goes to the dentist"; in fact, to our surprise, Dr Tan had that book in her clinic too! The other book is "A visit to the dentist (Dora the Explorer).

Unfortunately, all that prepwork did not seem to yield positive results. As with other pedodontists, Dr Tan's clinic is decorated with child-friendly paraphernalia - butterflies on the ceiling, children's books, and a toy-box in the waiting area. Gabrielle was pretty chirpy when we first stepped in, and was walking around the place asking lots of questions. However, the minute we stepped foot into the treatment room, she suddenly clammed up, it's like she knew that something was amiss. Dr Tan, or "Aunty Elizabeth" as she introduced herself, spent a long time breaking the ice with her, showing her the familiar Barney book, and letting her ride up and down in that special dentist's chair. By the way, the only way we could get Gabe to sit on the chair was for me to sit with her. I was carrying Theodore in a sling at the time, so I had to relinquish him to Mum while I carried Gabe on my lap and sat in the chair. We rode up and down a couple of times (actually I think it was 5 or 6 times!), as Aunty Elizabeth tried to put her little patient at ease.

The final straw came when Dr Tan tried to get her to open her mouth so that she could take a look. Gabe had had enough - she started bawling! As I held her, I could also feel her trembling, poor kid! All of us tried to pacify her, but to no avail; in fact, it seemed that she started screaming even louder. So Dr Tan suggested that I hold on to her legs while she held on to the upper part of her body, so that she could at least count the teeth. Let's just say it was like a torture session for Gabrielle, she held her mouth tightly shut even as she was bawling and sputtering. Somehow, in between breaths, Dr Tan managed to gently pry open her mouth and count how many teeth were in there, 16 in all. After she released her, Gabe calmed down a little and was just sniffling. The dental assistant gave her a blown up latex handglove with a happy face- I thought that was a nice touch - and of course, a couple of stickers. Gabe managed a 'Thank you' through her tears. Sweet kid.

Well, after all that, I'm glad to report that Dr Tan complimented her on a good set of teeth, and praised her for having established a twice-daily ritual of brushing teeth, and not having the habit of drinking a bottle to sleep. She also reminded us not to introduce sweets to her yet, so that she doesn't get a craving for sweet stuff. No problem with that; Gabe actually seems to prefer sour things and has more adult tastes - she likes lemon juice, and just yesterday, she ate at least half of a Japanese cucumber by itself! Oh yes, there was one bad thing though: her thumb-sucking. Her thumb bears the tell-tale signs of the chronic habit, and the doctor noted that she already was having signs of losing her bite. It'll be a tough job to wean her off that... hopefully by 5 years old, she would have outgrown it!

And that was that. After coming out of the treatment room, Gabe was more or less back to her usual exuberant self, and discovered the treasures in the toy box in the waiting area as she picked up a dinosaur. A happy ending to a somewhat terrifying experience for a two-year old! For other mommies who are planning that first visit, I guess two years old is a good time to start. Some parenting experts suggest 1 1/2 years old, but I can't imagine how a kid that young would take it! Whatever it is, it's good to bring the child before problems start - Mum's advice, and after this experience, I agree. And, most important is the daily dental care at home before that - I'm really glad we started the teeth brushing early on, so that Gabe acquires this good habit right from year 1. And also definitely glad that Joerg and I are against sweets at this age, if ever!

Gabe's next visit to 'Aunty Elizabeth' is when she's 3 years old... one whole year to prep her again, haha!

And now there are two

Theodore Declan Tan burst into the world via C-section on 22 Feb 2012, one day before the planned op. As with Gabrielle, his arrival was off-schedule, although he was a little earlier than expected (Gabe was 3 days late!). Nevertheless, we are now blessed with TWO little ones at home. I can't help but think back to the time before becoming 'pro-family' - I still remember being at home one weekend while Joerg was out at school for an event, and just happening to glance at our wedding picture, thinking that time seemed to have stopped after our wedding. There didn't seem to be any progress toward anything, except that we had had a wonderful experience in Brisbane pursuing our studies together. Well, now life has gotten even more interesting, with two in tow!

So, positive discipline. The idea is really being tested now that Gabrielle has a new sibling to adapt to. It's true, all the stuff that my mom and other parents-of-more-than-one-child say about the adjustment - be prepared for a whole lot of jealousy and acts of attention seeking. We tried out my cousin's tactic of buying a gift for Gabe and telling her it's from her baby brother. That seemed to work, for she was covering him with kisses - or maybe trying to suffocate him, it's hard to tell, heh. Anyway that was at the hospital. Back at home after 4 days, things were a little different. When I'm nursing the tiny one, she bursts through the door and comes up on the bed, thumb in mouth and looking for my ear for comfort (yes, ear. Don't ask me why. Other kids like pillow corners or stuffed toys. Ours just likes body parts). She also likes to use the nursing shawl to cover him, I don't know if she wants to keep him warm, of if she feels that will make him go away. These are just a couple of little things she's gotten into during the adjustment phase, but the one which is really trying us now, is the screaming. Not just short bouts of screams, but hair raising, eardrum shattering kinds of shrieks. Mostly when she wants/ doesn't want something, or when she's exuberantly happy/ extremely frustrated.

What's a parent to do? I haven't completely finished reading about Positive Discipline, but as this carried on, I tried to recall what the book said about how to handle screaming kids. Well it didn't say anything specifically about screaming kids, but the closest reference is probably to tantrums. Yes, we were having major tantrums on our hands. The hardest thing is still the recommendation to tell the child what TO do, instead of what NOT to do: what else can I encourage her to do besides screaming, if she's feeling frustrated/happy/etc? So I found myself reverting back to "No, Gabrielle!" or vague expressions like "Talk softly ok?" to which she will cheerfully say "Ok!"... and then continue with the undesired act.

So what does work? Come back to Step 1: Understand why the child is acting this way. Ok, Gabe's reacting because she feels that, suddenly, she cannot do the things which she wants to do, and she's abit too young to understand why she can't smother her little brother or why she shouldn't scream at the top of her lungs. Step 2: Be firm, yet gentle, and remain calm. So I gave her a hug and told her "I know it's difficult sweetie, you'll be fine... let's go get your books / watch some TV / etc...". The tears will still flow, but she does seem to calm down abit. I've also done what I've criticised my students for doing - googling for a quick answer to "How to stop your toddler from screaming". I know I know, googling is not the best way to find a good answer, but I was selective about the websites ok! Babycentre recommended strategies similar to the principles of positive discipline, which is distraction, and also involvement in the activity. Joerg and I have come to realise Gabe needs a lot more engagement other than being at home with care-givers. We aim to put her in Nursery next year when she turns three, but she needs some programmes right now up to then, to keep her engaged and away from misbehaving. (By the way, getting into childcare is another looong story, to which we do not know the ending yet. Blog about that in another post.)

Lastly, but definitely just as important, pray for the children! Admittedly, life just got busier and my quiet time has been edged out. We've also stopped (unintentionally) praying a bedtime prayer with her for quite a while. While Gabe and Theodore were still in my womb, I would thank God for them and commit them to Him because His plans are always better- after all, He knows it all before we do! With all the challenges that having children brings, all the more we do need to pray for wisdom from the wisest Parent of all. Actually, thinking about children's behaviour reminds me of how we ourselves are like in relation to God - we get upset when we don't get our way, we stubbornly refuse to do what is right, and we rationalise our misdeeds!

Right now, both kids are sleeping: the tiny one in his crib, and the big one in Mom's bed. Ah, bliss.

Sleep wars

As I mentioned earlier, Gabrielle has extended her bedtime to adult sleeping times. In fact, she IS sleeping almost adult hours, 8 hours a night instead of the recommended 10 or 11. A daytime nap adds just 2-3 hours to that sleeping diet, and that's still a little under the recommended total sleep needed. But our little owl seems none the worse for wear-- we're not sure what's in her milk that gives her so much energy!

In trying to train her to go to bed, we've had to adjust the cues a bit. It used to be as easy as saying "Bedtime! Bring your books!", cuddling up in our bed and reading a few of her favourite books, before saying "Goodnight", a prayer, and off to sleep she goes, after some tossing and turning. Now we still have our books in bed, but when the light goes off, it's off to the living room to settle on the sofa. It usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes of tossing and turning before she naturally drops off and Daddaa scoops her up to Grandma's room for the night.

This is a relief, although bedtime still stretches past 10.30pm. Before we discovered this new 'method', she would be wandering around the apartment, from living room to kitchen, to grandma's room, and not know how to settle herself down for sleep, and this could go on all the way til midnight. "Positive discipline" (as well as some of those other parenting books) reminded me that she needs to have a routine and cues that signal it's time to go to sleep. You can see she's tired, but she can't find a way to settle herself down.

Not sure what's going to happen when we have to pack ourselves off to the hospital for delivery... we've been trying to mentally prepare her to stay with my parents once her little sibling comes out, but so far the reception hasn't been good. Think it will just have to happen and she may have to cry it out. That's just 5 weeks away!!

Train a child in the right way...

...and he will not depart from it (Proverbs 6:22). Joerg's favorite verse.

When we were expecting our firstborn, I was already wondering about whether I would be up to the task of "disciplining" my own children. To me, Joerg would have no problem because this was what he did every day, and he had internalized the need to impart what is right to the next generation. For me, I was brought up strictly under the rod and so agreed that punishment / discipline is necessary, at least in principle. Now that Gabrielle is realizing more and more that she can control her world through her actions, we've found ourselves in an increasing number of face-offs with her. But I've found myself struggling with being firm and following through with consequences, versus being kind and understanding why she's acting up. We had tried disciplining her by saying "No" very firmly and then smacking her little hands when she insisted on carrying on the disallowed behaviour, but Gabe didn't seem to be learning from these physical consequences. So after reading a friend's blog about her own challenges with her little girl who is just a few months older, I got interested in the idea of "positive discipline". The idea appealed to me because it suggested that you could render discipline without physical punishment and still be able to help the child do what is right.

So I logged on to acmamall.com and got ourselves a copy of "Positive Discipline: The first three years" (Jane Nelson et al, 2007) to see if I could get any ideas from there. (By the way, I told a friend about this source and he agreed that the price was cheaper than Amazon's.) Before this, we had already read the Babywise series (Ezzo), and the ideas in there made sense, i.e., establish a routine for baby's stability, be firm, etc, but somehow Gabe seemed to have reached some kind of developmental plateau with those principles. Lately I had also read "Effective parenting in a defective world" (Chip Ingram) but those didn't really offer specific strategies, mainly principles which (I thought) we already subscribed to.

The book came 2 weeks later, and I started turning the pages in earnest. It's highly readable, and I found myself through half the book in about 3 days. Nelson offers lots of principles, concrete examples, and specific strategies, some of which are similar to the ideas in Ezzo's and Ingram's books - namely, the need for routines and not to be permissive. The key themes are:

• discipline is not punishment but training,
• be kind and firm at the same time, and
• work to help your child develop autonomy for self-esteem and confidence.

What I found really helpful was the understanding of the developmental milestones of toddlers Gabrielle's age, that at this stage they are exploring their new world, striving for autonomy and independence, and thus need to learn many skills to be able to do things on their own. When they are not able to explore, or not able to accomplish stuff independently, this is when tantrums and defiance/rebelliousness result. In disciplining (ie training), toddlers need less to be told "Don't do that", and more of what TO do. This was a good reminder, even though Joerg and I do know this as we work with youths. Didn't know that it applied to young children too!

So that's where I am at the moment with this book... I've been trying consciously trying out strategies of distraction, as well as telling Gabrielle what TO do. Distraction works when I can find something equally appealing to her and it takes her mind off the other stuff; telling her what TO do is a little bit more effort because sometimes, I'm not sure what's the alternative!

Just a note though... I have said that I found this book very readable, partly because I subscribe to some of the thinking as well. I'm particularly in favour of "Be kind, yet firm" and that physical punishment isn't the ONLY way (at this point anyway). But what about someone else who doesn't quite share these views, especially the view on physical punishment? This might be a challenge. That said, I'm glad that this book has helped me so far to understand Gabe's world and to think about how I could use my own natural inclinations for her positive development. More adventures in positive discipline to come :)